Guy Talk
by JaerWolfe
Summary: On the Normandy there is no such thing as a private life...


_A/N This is dedicated to my BFF whom I will call Buffy the Merc Slayer. She is innocent...not naive, innocent...and when she shoots at enemies in ME2 her philosophy is aim for the torso to take them out. Unfortunately her aim is consistently and unintentionally a bit south of the torso and has resulted in her husband and sons pledging to never go paintballing or air softing with her. Ever. My suggestion that it was a unique form of birth control was disregarded._

* * *

**SR-2 Normandy**  
**Weapons Hold**

"Mate, what did you do to her?"

Kaidan glanced up from the Collector Particle beam weapon he had in pieces before him and decided ignorance was the best defense in the face of Garrus and Zaeed's angry expressions. "What are you talking about?" He wiped his hands on a grease rag and faced them.

"Shepard." Zaeed spat the name. "What the bleedin' hell have you done?"

"Why, is she hurt?" Kaidan knew he wasn't fooling them, but he really didn't want to get into this with anyone…except maybe Joker. Joker would understand.

"Don't play stupid, Kaidan. What did you do?" Garrus persisted.

Kaidan moved past them pretending he needed a scope. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Garrus."

"One, she ain't taken you in a landing party since we left the Citadel." Zaeed snapped. "Two, she's bitten off my head every time she's talked to me and I ain't done a bit to her!"

"Three, her aim has become dangerous." Garrus finished.

Giving the Turian a confused look, Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest. "Garrus, you've known her for almost four years…her aim has always been dangerous. Her headshot count is a legend in the Alliance."

"Yah, only now it ain't the head on the shoulders she's aimin' for!" The mercenary's voice was as outraged as a Krogan at a peace rally. "It's the one a bit more south. Four, if she's aimin' for a Krogan."

Garrus ran a three fingered hand over the scars on his face. "I can't take much more of the screams of the mercs she takes down. Yeah, they're trying to kill us. Yeah, the universe is a better place without them, but there should be a little dignity in the death she gives them. Not…not…"

"They shouldn't be leavin' this life with screams like those of a little girl whose ice cream has been stolen." Zaeed agreed.

Kaidan gave the merc a look that questioned his analogy but shook his head. "I'm sorry, but it's between Shepard and me. She'll get over it and it will be fine."

"You might want to ask Cerberus how well she gets over things." Garrus stated in a flat tone. "The Illusive Man could give you a testimonial…were he still capable of it."

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Kaidan scrubbed his hands down his face and throat before going to the back of his neck and attacking the tension there. "You don't understand…she needs to stop and this is the only way she will."

Zaeed gave him a strange look and then laid an arm across the back of Kaidan's shoulder s in an attempt at camaraderie. "Look, mate, if she is asking more of you than you are capable o'givin' then you should know there are drugs…"

Favoring him with a disgusted look, Kaidan shoved the arm away. "That isn't the problem, Zaaed, and it will **_never_** be any of your business."

"Come on, Kaidan." Garrus moved closer taking the attention away from the mercenary. "This is affecting her work, which affects our work. Is it another woman? Chambers finally get you alone in the elevator like she has every other male on the ship?"

Oh, that he didn't need to know, Kaidan thought and made a mental note to ask Chakwas go over the elevator and check for malicious bacteria & fungus.

"No. I've managed to avoid her and Shepard had a little chat with her right after we liberated that store of illegally modified weapons on Praeus. I'm not sure what weapon Shepard was cleaning while they spoke but it left an impression." Kaidan gave an exasperated sigh. "Look, she wants a space hamster."

Silence. Then…

"Damn." Garrus closed his small reptilian eyes. "I thought we agreed not to let her shop the kiosks any more if they had pets."

"I thought they just had upgrades! I didn't see the space hamster until after she did." Kaidan exploded. "I'd already bribed the clerk to tell her they were out of stock on the fish!" With a sigh he settled his back against the wall. "I put my foot down. Told her she couldn't have a space hamster in the cabin. We didn't have room for it and she didn't need one."

"Naw." Zaeed shook his head, studying him. "That ain't all you did, mate. That would make her mad, yeah, but not this mad. What else did you say?"

Surrendering, Kaidan's shoulders slumped. "I said it was bad enough she kept killing the fish, we didn't need her killing any other poor innocent creatures. I suggested maybe we get a robot pet if she wanted one so badly, one she could reset after she killed it. If she learned to keep it alive for more than a month, then maybe we'd think about getting a real one."

"Damn, mate." Zaeed shook his head in sympathy. "I'm surprised you're still allowed in the Commander's cabin."

Kaidan gave a weary nod. "What should I have done? She'll kill it just like she killed all those poor defenseless fish."

"You know, when you think about it, those mercs really do deserve a bad end." Garrus said in philosophical tones. "I mean, how many innocents have they preyed on? This could just be universal karma coming after them and Shepard, really, she's just a tool in the hands of justice."

"I don't even know what that means, Garrus." Kaidan straightened. "I have to be strong and not cave. She is not getting a space hamster."

"Good luck, mate. You're screwed." Zaeed said cheerfully clapping him on the back and leaving the room.

"It'll work out." Garrus said patting Kaidan's shoulder. The words would have been more comforting if there had been any conviction behind them and the Turian quickly left before he could elaborate on how.

Kaidan sighed and went back to his self appointed mission to clean every weapon in the room. For some reason Shepard avoided this room and it would give him a chance to figure a way out of the mess his girlfriend's temper had left them in.

"You're clear, Alenko. Commander just left the ship." Joker's broke into his thoughts via the com. "You need anything from the Commander's cabin you better get it now, before she gets back."

That was the trouble about living in a damn fishbowl any vessel of this size was. Everybody knew everybody else's business.

"Thanks, Joker." Kaidan answered deciding it wasn't even worth fighting with Joker over the smug tone in his voice.

"Have you considered getting her drunk? Maybe that will make her loosen up." Joker offered.

"Have you ever had a real girlfriend, Joker?" Kaidan demanded.

There was a snort of laughter from the com. "Sorry. Just trying to associate the word 'girlfriend' with the Commander. Not easy, let me tell you. Reaper stomping badass is a much better fit. Which makes me wonder…"

"Stop right there, Joker. You say it and I will tell her." Kaidan cut him off quickly.

"Just wondering." Joker's voice would have been almost petulant if not for the laughter running through it. "No need to get nasty about it. I'm sure this is just a temporary thing. Maybe even a hormone thing. Give it a couple of days and she'll be back to her normal self."

"Joker." The name was a warning.

"Sheesh, fine. Really. No need to go all tattletale to your Reaper stomping badass girlfriend on me."

Kaidan began looking about the room wondering which weapon would cause the least amount of damage to the ship if he took it to the cockpit and unloaded on the loon in the pilot's chair.

* * *

**_Several days later..._**

"You are the best."

Kaidan froze feeling a very familiar hand pat him on the rear as the words were whispered in his ear.

Shepard leaned into him, her hands doing more roaming. "I know you didn't want to, but you thought of me and what I wanted and you did it anyway. You are the best, Kaidan." She pressed a lingering kiss to his mouth. "You even surprised me!"

Blinking, Kaidan scrambled his memory over the last few days of her icy silence trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. "You, uh, liked it?" He managed in a vague way.

She gave a sexy little laugh and began tugging him toward the bridge door of the weapons hold. "Let's go to the cabin and I'll show you."

Okay, somehow, some way, this was going to come back and bite him in the ass, he just knew it. Until then…well, he wasn't stupid and the enforced celibacy of the last week had him thinking that whatever price he paid in the future was well worth the next couple of hours.

Clothes mostly in disarray, his mouth hot on hers, they stumbled into the cabin. He was so completely focused on getting her out of her shirt he almost missed the squeaks that greeted them.

Not one. Not two. Three. Three Space Hamsters cluttered the shelf near the bathroom and he stared at them in stunned horror.

"Aren't they cute!" Shepard cooed in a very un-like Shepard way as she abandoned him to tap on the glass enclosing the nearest creature. "I thought at first that three was a bit much by way of an apology, but then I understood that you were really, really sorry for what you said and this was your way of making it up to me."

Three. They were doomed. The poor furry creatures had no clue that their brief lives were about to be smothered with affection…while she remembered them. Oh, sure, she adored them now and would every time she thought about them…which wouldn't be enough to keep them fed and watered and their cages clean.

Three! Who the…Garrus and Zaeed, obviously. But who was the third one from? Shepard wouldn't have bought it on her own. She was honorable that way. Until their fight was resolved, she wouldn't go behind his back and then try and force him to approve.

"I'm thinking of calling them Anderson, Udina…that's the one in the middle with the constipated look on its face…and Hackett." Shepard tapped the glass again and the creatures in question scrambled to hide as if Kaidan had somehow conveyed the terror of their plight. "I couldn't remember the names of the Council or I'd have used those instead."

She was going to kill the head of Fifth Fleet, a politician and her former military mentor now turned politician. There was some sort of cosmic irony in that, Kaidan mused giving up the fight. He would do what he could for the little monsters and try to make the last few days of their lives happy.

Mean while, he was going to make himself even more happy.

Shepard made one of the completely feminine noises she made only for him as he jerked her against his chest, his mouth finding hers once more.

Oh, yeah. Very happy.

* * *

**_Later still...._**

"Haven't seen you about, much, mate."

Kaidan glanced over at the salaciously smug expression on Zaeed's face and narrowed his eyes. "You say one thing about make-up sex, Zaeed, and I'll have EDI play the entire conversation for Shepard. You'll be able to experience one of her head shots for yourself."

Zaeed blanched and then gave him a disgusted glare. "That's a fine way to say thank you!" The merc clearly wanted to say more but took Kaidan's warning to heart. He made an obscene gesture in Kaidan's direction and stomped out of the weapons hold.

Garrus entered just as Zaeed was leaving and paused, studying Kaidan. "The pet was meant to improve things between you and Shepard." The words were hesitant, as if he were testing Kaidan's mood.

Kaidan sighed and gestured Garrus in further so the door could close behind him. "It did. The problem is she's killed Udina already and I think Hackett may be next."

The Turian went completely still. "She killed the human ambassador on the Citadel because I bought her a Space Hamster?" The words were horrified and brought a laugh to Kaidan.

"No, she named the space hamsters Udina, Hackett and Anderson." He clarified turning around to face his friend, his back resting against the table. "Udina gave up the ghost this morning. I cleared him out and she hasn't noticed yet."

"Three space hamsters?" Garrus' dismay changed directions. "I purchased one. One!"

"So did Zaeed." Kaidan ran a hand over the back of his neck again, rubbing deep. "I haven't figured out who the third one came from."

"Uh, yeah. That would be me." Joker's voice came over the com.

Kaidan blinked, processing the thought. "Joker? You bought Shepard a Space Hamster?"

"Yeah. You remember when you started taking meditation sessions with Samara to increase your biotic potential? You asked if she could please wear something else because you couldn't concentrate with her girls only half dressed, so Samara started wearing frickin' turtlenecks every where she went? Yeah, well, now we're even."

"You bought Shepard a Space Hamster because I asked Samara to seal up her armor?" Kaidan repeated in disbelief.

"Hey, you take away my little pleasures, I give your Reaper stomping badass girlfriend a win." Joker retorted. "So, now, if you're thinking of asking Jack to wear more than shoelaces over her tats, maybe you'll think twice."

"I wouldn't study biotics with Jack." Kaidan said getting angry. "She's powerful but undisciplined and erratic."

"Whatever. Every time you see Shepard buy a hamster, you think about me and this little lesson."

"Considering I will eventually see the hamster dead, Joker, it shouldn't be hard." Kaidan retorted running a frustrated hand through is hair.

He was stuck now. She had Space Hamsters and she thought he'd given them to her. No way was he going to tip that particular boat and go back to sleeping in a chair near Mordin in the Tech Room. That would just invite the little Salarian to start taking parts of his DNA and messing with it. Again.

Kaidan groaned softly at the thought.

"You know, I have to ask." Garrus began, tilting his head toward Kaidan. "When she kills those pets, does she cry about it? I just can't see Shepard crying. It's too…too…"

"Girly." Joker finished. "Yeah, man. What does she do?"

"She doesn't cry over her pets dying." Kaidan answered and frowned, considering the matter. "I haven't seen her cry over anything."

"That's good, right?" Garrus posed the question.

"Definitely means less drama." Joker agreed. "That's good in any relationship."

"No. It isn't." Kaidan answered thoughtfully. He considered everything she'd been through. The decisions she'd made, the adjustment to being alive again only to find herself preparing for a mission that was almost tailor made to kill her. She'd never said how she felt about that. Never shown any emotion at all over the matter. Never opened up to him or anyone else that he knew of about it. "It isn't good at all. I need to go find her." He set his tools down and left the Weapons Hold.

"About damn time." Joker said over the com. "I thought we were going to have to tie him down and beat it into his head."

"I agree." Garrus added with a long sigh. "The man has no clue what he's got in Shepard. If she wants Space Hamsters, she should have them. She's earned them."

"Hell, she wants a pet Krogan, I say give it to her." Joker added. "Other than Grunt, I mean."

Garrus laughed. "How's your plan to slowly turn up the heat in Observation until Samara loses the turtleneck going?"

"Sucks." Joker gave an exasperated groan. "Why can't we have some wimpy women on board instead of these Amazons who shrug off little things like heat exhaustion?"

"You mean wimpy women like Chambers?" Garrus asked.

"Ewww." Joker groaned. "Garrus, not even I will go there. She is definitely not worth breaking my pelvis over."

Garrus chuckled. "Yes, I was disappointed with her flexibility."

"OW! OW! Ears! Hurting! Eyes bleeding. I think we just lost contact with the Weapons Hold." Joker's voice cut off.

Garrus laughed and began the return trip to his usual location. It was funny to him that human relations were so similar to Turian ones. Now, if he could find himself a Turian woman like Shepard...


End file.
